Reflections on Faith

Been thinking a lot lately about faith vs. religion. I am not, for many pragmatic reasons, particularly religious, though I was raised Catholic. Ultimately, I married a Catholic man whose family happens to run in the same religious circles as mine, but we are not really regular attenders of any type of religious establishment, Catholic or otherwise. We get a lot of flak about it from his parents, my parents, and silent flak from others.

For awhile, I thought that my lack of attendance might be working against me. After all, I didn't get an assistantship for the 2nd year of my Master's, I didn't get into any of the schools to which I applied for doctoral work, and I didn't get the first (or 2nd, or 3rd) job for which I applied and interviewed. Could someone be telling me something? Could it be that I am not, in fact, a decent enough person, despite my religious shortcomings, to have good things happen for me?

When I really sat and thought about it, I realized something that has probably been lurking for years, and which, though I've voiced before, I'm not sure how much I really believed in. That realization was that you *can* be a good person, have good things happen to and for you, without going to church every week, kneeling, standing, praying, singing, kneeling again (remember I was raised Catholic), standing, taking Communion, and lighting many, many candles in the hopes that one saint or another will intervene on your behalf and answer your prayers (or as it seems to be in so many cases, grant wishes). I have long thought-- and usually have my suspicions confirmed-- that there are a shitload of hypocritical "Christians" out there. Front row on Sunday, scrubbed and smiling, but last out of the bar on Saturday, scowling and drunk.

I have never really made apologies for who I am and what I do: yes, I smoke on occasion. Hell yes, I drink. But I have never, ever, tried to hide that. I believe in doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do, not because I'm trying to save my sinner's soul from eternal damnnation and hellfire. I have given money to beggars, fed stray animals, volunteered. I do those things, again, not because I want brownie points, but because it feels good to do them. To make another person smile, to help someone not so fortunate in their lives as I am in mine, is just the right thing to do. For me, going to church when I don't get anything out of it, or praying to God/Jesus/various and sundry saints when I need something is hypocritical, and I just don't think it's right. I'd rather be a sinner than a hypocrite, because I've never felt wrong admitting my shortcomings. I know I'm impatient, anal-retentive, overly annoyed by small things and a drill sargeant. I KNOW. I love myself anyway.

So for me, believing that something good would happen after so much negativity was faith in the universe, faith that the good deeds I'd done would recycle themselves back to me (the word is karma, folks. Learn it. Use it.) Faith in karma, in the cycles of good and bad, eventually brought those good things to us.

I'm going to keep on believing. But you aren't going to see me in church anytime soon, so don't ask.